Being a personal assistant to a private equity chairman means great pay, no sleep, and tons of work. From the time I wake up at 5 AM until the time I set my Blackberry down at 1 AM, I am working on my boss’ schedule. Boyfriends? Yeah, right. Down time in my Upper East Side apartment? Only if my boss leaves town for a while. Beauty products? By the cartload.

My boss is a high powered individual and I need to look the part as well. Which means the finest French beauty products, eyelash growth products and wrinkle creams to reduce wrinkles brought on by the stresses of high-powered needs and appetites. I need to make sure I look young, energetic, and multi-tasking so my boss knows I’m doing my job perfectly. And I do everything that he asks – he once asked me to buy the best age spot treatments for one of his board members who wanted to cover up age spots before a meet with a young 22 year old with a fast growing startup. Because of my beauty enhancement, I am also used as a go between among the young adults and the older gentlemen in the office who don’t get the lifestyle as much.

It’s a thankless job with no time to even complain, let alone thank anyone. But it pays very well and I can cover up any dark circles with eyelash growth products so I’ll be okay. And as long as my orivate equity paycheck has nothing to complain about, then I’m satisfied. At least until my Blackberry beeps next.

It’s that time of year – the State of the Union. And every State of the Union, we have our annual State of the Union drinking game! Usually, every time the President says the words “work together” or “great”, we take a shot! But this year, we’re adding a little more to the contest thanks to some great idea from our impotent friend! He said that every time the President mentions a word that resembles a term for male enhancement pills, we take a shot!

Now that’s a creative version of the game! And each one of us has different terms for male sexual enhancement so all the guys have to respect it. Let’s see – the President mentioned “union” so some friend mentioned union refers to male enhancement products, so we took a shot. Next, the President mentioned the word “increased” by employment, security and trade, so we had to take three shots because sexual pills increase a certain male body part! You see how drunk someone can get from this version of the game? We also drank to the words “bold”, “lifestyle”, “Iraq”, and “performance” because all those terms are apparently top male enhancement terms (how Iraq relates was bizarre because some guy said it refers to a rack, if you know what I mean).

Sexual enhancement is definitely a fun way to make a boring State of the Union into a drinking game full of innuendos and sexual hints. My guess is the President had no intention of having a bunch of drunken guys listening to his well worded and well thought out speech but hey, we’re part of the 99% and we love to drink!